How to Not Be Scared of Having a Baby
Dear Therapist: I'1000 Scared of Having Kids
I experience a rush of longing when I see a beautiful baby, but I can't tell if I'one thousand ready to have one of my own.
Editor'south Note: Every Wednesday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers almost their problems, big and modest. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.
Love Therapist,
I want to be a parent, but I am absolutely terrified. How do I get over this?
I'm 31 and my hubby is 34. My husband has been set up to start trying for a while, and in my gut I know I want to be a parent, but I'm simply getting more scared.
Part of the problem is we don't have much exposure to kids. None of our career-driven, urban, feminist friends are parents, and I would also be the first parent at my company. I usually feel empowered by doing research, so I've read lots of articles and books on the subject area. I was seeking affirmation, only all my reading only fed my feet. I'm a footling too well-informed at this bespeak, most everything from postpartum depression to childbirth injuries to the fact that most couples see their marital satisfaction drib after the birth of a child. I know I tin't "take information technology all" (that dumb phrase!) considering the U.Due south. lags far behind other countries in parental leave and back up, and I want to keep my ambitious career fifty-fifty though the organization is rigged.
Yet every time I pass a cute baby on the street, I feel a rush of longing. In other moments, I'll ask myself: Why blow up our perfectly happy, piece of cake lives by taking this crazy leap? The good stuff about having a kid is and so ineffable, so hard to see from the other side, that I approximate perhaps in that location is no logical style to decide. Nosotros take plenty of money, family unit nearby to help, etc. I also worry nigh waiting too long and not having equally much energy as an older mom (which is what my own mom was like). My hubby is supportive and doesn't want to pressure me, but it does experience like the clock is ticking. What should I practice?
Bearding
Dear Bearding,
The paralysis you're experiencing brings to mind the famous Einstein quote: "No problem tin can exist solved from the aforementioned level of consciousness that created it." Oftentimes in therapy I heed for the first thing people tell me, before they spin off into confusion and perseveration.
You said upfront that y'all want to be a parent, merely something is holding you back. That something, though, probably isn't one of the concerns you've listed here. Aye, kids touch our lives dramatically—our bodies, our marriages, our finances, and our careers (especially, as you say, for women in the U.Southward.). But yous're correct: This isn't a conclusion that's fabricated based on logic. You tin't research your way through this. The internet offers lots of terrifying information about everything from working mothers to fluctuating hormones, but it won't shed light on your emotional terror—which has left you lot stuck in ambiguity.
Paralyzing ambiguity often stems from feelings that a person isn't focusing on, or even aware of. Someone who tin't decide to the point of paralysis between 2 boyfriends or jobs or rugs from West Elm is probably conflicted about something else—perhaps trust or commitment or becoming an adult. You'll exist able to movement past your ambiguity one time you lot understand the real root of it, and information technology might help to start by looking less at parenthood in full general and more at babyhood—yours.
One of the all-time things people tin do as parents is examine the emotional residue of their own upbringings. If we don't, we tend to either project these old feelings onto our children or become terrified of taking on the parental role. Half a century ago, the psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg wrote beautifully about these lurking feelings in a paper chosen "Ghosts in the Nursery." Using observations from her work with families, Fraiberg described the ways in which problems from our childhoods—what she chosen ghosts—come unbidden when we get parents (or, in your case, when y'all contemplate parenthood). If we felt criticized, unseen, unsupported, controlled, or neglected growing up—and we haven't worked through these feelings as adults—these ghosts will cause the states to re-enact our pasts (or freeze in our tracks for fear of re-creating them).
The one thing you mention most your mom is that she was older and lacked energy, and I wonder if there were times when this upset you, leaving you lot feeling disappointed or resentful or lonely or lamentable. You may take wished that she could exist more like your friends' moms. Fifty-fifty if your mom was warm and loving and wonderful in other ways, a kid could easily misinterpret her lack of free energy as rejection. She's too tired to play might have felt like She'd rather not play. She can't become on this outing with me may have felt like I'm not that important to her.
You might non even know that these (or other) feelings were there, but now, when you contemplate having your own child, they return—if simply on an unconscious level. My gauge is that your real terror is based in self-uncertainty: Can I exist a good parent to my child? Or volition I, too, cause my child pain if a good bargain of my energy is besides directed toward my career and my spousal relationship? Will my child feel like I did?
That's probably why, despite feeling a rush of longing when you see a cute baby on the street, doubts still pop up: Wait, what will happen to my marriage? You've got some cardinal practicalities covered—the money, the family members nearby—merely beyond that, no corporeality of thinking or research is going to move you lot frontward. The fact is, there's no way you'll know what it'southward similar to exist a parent until yous are one.
But in that location is a way to feel more emotionally ready by delving into the source of the terror: separating out your female parent'southward experience of parenthood (and your experience of her as a mother) from what will exist your ain experience of parenthood (and your child'southward experience of you as a mother). That'southward the distinction y'all need to brand. You don't have to have it all neatly figured out, only the more than you make infinite for those differences, the less infinite your terror will take up.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical communication, and is not a substitute for professional person medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider with whatever questions yous may have regarding a medical condition.
Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/05/dear-therapist-scared-of-becoming-a-parent/559907/
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